Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm not a warrior

I'm not a warrior. I'm not battling anything.

(Well, sometimes misperceptions. Sometimes my own exhaustion.)

There's nothing to cure. There's no one who needs to be recovered.

(My son isn't lost.)

That doesn't mean there isn't a lot of awfully hard work to do:

Building up the skills that don't come naturally.

Weaving a safe cocoon and unraveling it bit by bit, sometimes before we feel ready.

Trying each day to keep the scales tipping towards joy rather than towards frustration.

Finding the teachers and others who can help him find his footing in the world.

And that doesn't mean that I, like every parent, don't wish from time to time that my child was different in some ways.

(Like when he's wide awake between 2 and 5 in the morning.)

But this is who we are. This is our way of being in the world. And I'm not at war.

7 comments:

datri said...

Love this post, I can so relate. And my kid is generally up from 2 - 5A, also!

goodfountain said...

Great post, really. I feel the same way. Warriors always come across as angry to me. I'm not angry.

Very well said.

Jordan said...

Honestly, I needed to hear a parent say this tonight. Thank you. (Ben thanks you, too, I can guarantee it!)

kristenspina said...

Excellent post, and I couldn't agree more. Yeah, lately, I'm tired and frustrated, but no, I'm not angry or at war. And while I do wish things were easier for my son, I am so madly in love with him and his quirkiness that I can't imagine this playing out any other way--except for maybe "easier" school days, less struggle over homework (though I'm pretty sure I'd want those things with ANY kid, so maybe it's not even so much about the autism as it is about SCHOOL!!)

K said...

I can so relate - I am not at war either

Vijaya said...

OMG !!! I can exactly relate to this so much tonight...a way out from me feeling so hurt and sad( that i cannot stop crying), not being able to find out whom to talk to as i don't want to show my emotions in front of anyone..., imagining the worst fears of life of my son growing up without dear friend/s around him and what not...
Thanks to you so much Christa for penning all of this.
The dates on these blogs that you wrote seem long back. Are you not blogging anymore? Pls don't say that...you don't know how many of us you are helping by sharing your thoughts.

Christa said...

Vijaya -

Not sure if you're checking back for follow up comments, but wanted to leave a note here saying thank you for your kind comments and letting you know that I am still blogging, but much less frequently since I'm working on a video project that I've described in a more recent blog post.

http://hyperlexicon.blogspot.com/2011/08/from-firefly-to-flummoxed.html

Please know that you are not alone! There is a circle of support out here that you can plug into. It's meant the world to me and I love getting comments knowing I can play a role in that for someone else.

Take care,
Christa